Reality Check

Wow, been a while since I updated this thing. One of my New Year's Resolutions was updating at least once a month...so...not doing well on that one. I'll try better from now on.

So, let's see:

I think I've gained weight since January 1, but I don't know since I haven't gotten on a scale in a long time. My last weight was 417 I think. I'll step on the scale tomorrow morning and check the status. The weight gain would mostly be due to a little freedom in buying my own food now that I have food stamps. I've gotten some sugary foods, but I've also gotten some healthy foods. I tried hard not to say "bad" foods and "good" food because classifying them like that only makes me feel emotional when I eat them. I feel like a proactive healthy person when I eat "good" foods like lettuce and whole grains, but I know I can't sustain it because I have a terrible sweet tooth, and there's only so much salad I can take. When I eat "bad" foods like cookies, cake, and ice cream I either feel guilty about eating it which makes me depressed so I eat more, or I feel rebellious and don't care if I eat it -- I'm eating it to stick it to the man! Or whatever. That phrase doesn't make sense when discussing food. So I need to get rid of the Food Police (a term I found in a good book called "Intuitive Eating" that I need to finish reading) in my head and work on labeling foods in a different way or not at all.

The other reason I've gained weight is a lack of exercise. I do go up and down stairs at least twice a day, but should do it more. And I play with the kids which involves getting up and down from the floor but isn't much more active then that. mostly I sit at a desk and work, play, etc. (but don't update my blog apparently). The lack of mobility really hit me today when I was at the park playing with my niece and nephew. My niece is really fast on her bicycle and even my sister had a hard time keeping up with her (but she did of course). I was walking with my nephew on his tricycle and let me tell you this: you know you're pathetically out of shape when you have trouble keeping up with a two year old on a trike. Technically he's not even two yet. So yeah, I'll be going on walks with them at the park a lot this spring. Let's hope it helps!

Waiter? Can I have my reality check now please? Wait, never mind -- I already got it at the park today.

TANGENT: I was thinking about the phrase "out of shape" because I was wondering whether I had ever actually been "in shape" in my life and then I wondered what determines being "in shape" which lead me to wonder about "shape". If you can be "in shape" and "out of shape" can you simply be "a shape"? And what shape is "a shape"? A square? A triangle? Hmmm.... Can I be a octagon please? Octagons are cool.

Really, people? Come on!

Whoever decided that extremely fat women really wanted straight skirts with a long slit up the back was clearly smoking something not approved by the FDA.

Yikes!

So my weigh-in was not good, not that I expected it to be. I am 412lbs, up from 406lbs two weeks ago. So that's 6lbs in two weeks. now I have to see if I can lose that 6lbs in another two weeks. I was really hoping to be under 400lb by the new year, but with the holidays coming up that probably won't happen. So, I'm gonna aim to be under 400lbs by March 1. That's the new goal.

Turkey Calories Don't Count

Seriously, do the calories consumed on Thanksgiving really count? One the one hand yes, and on the other no. I don't eat like that every day. I don't think anyone does. Or could. But what does it say about the US that one of our biggest national holidays revolves around a freaking huge meal? And don't get me started on the historical ramifications of the dietary choices of current foods versus pilgrim fare. Pilgrims did have cool hats though. Gotta get me one of those.

It's not just one day of course. There are leftovers that must be eaten. And sadly those calories do count! Still, I am recovering from the day-of-much-fatty-goodness, but I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm kinda scared. I'll do the weigh in first thing tomorrow and hopefully won't have done as much damage as I think I did. Darn you corn casserole! Why must you taste so good strange-pretzel-jello-salad-I-never-tasted-before-but-now-dream-of-being-reunited-with?

Vocational Rehab

So I applied for Vocational Rehabilitation last week with my case manager and I really hope I get it because I could totally use vocational rehabilitation. Actually I could use vocational recessitation. I'm severely struggling with my career. I've known for a long time what I wanted to do with my life career wise and although parts of it has changed the general direction hasn't until a few years ago. I wanted to be an actress then director then editor over the years but obviosuly wanted to be in the Entertainment industry.

I know I'm a good editor, but I'm not a great one and apparently I'm not an employable one in this market. I just don't know enough software. I'm a great montage editor and a good FCP editor but am not a graphic designer which seems to be what people want. I know if I go to CA I'd have better luck finding a job that fits with my skill set better, but I don't want to go to CA for a number of reasons. The #1 reason is simply that I'm scared.

Sacred of failing. Scared of losing my sanity being so far away from my family support group. And probably most of all scared that I'll be even more ridiculed, judged, and made fun of for being fat. Los Angeles is full of skinny pretty people and from everything I've heard it's a plastic world full of shallow people. Maybe I'm hearing what I want to believe because I'm scared, but a 400lbs girl just doesn't seem to have a chance in Hollywood in any aspect of production is what I think and feel.

The sad thing is that recently I've come to realize that as much as I love being behind the camera I find that part of me really wants to be in front of it. I can't stand how I look, however, so I don't step in front unless I have to because I need another actor. I think that what I really wanted to do with my life is be an actor, but being a fat chick I realized that I would never make as an actor and chose to focus my energies behind the scenes instead. I made myself believe that I prefered to be behind the camera but I have to wonder if I was fooling myself somehow.

It's too late to have an acting career now and I feel even more self concious at 400lbs then I did at 250 (which is what I was my senior year of high school). But I wonder if I should try getting back onstage or something. It would feel really wierd to be an actor again. Maybe I could write a movie for me to star in and try out acting that way. But editing my fat ass would be a problem for me because I don't like how I look. Wow. I'm being brutally honest with myself in a way I haven't been before.

I don't know what to do with my life right now. Should I stick to being a video editor and take classes to learn the skills I'm lacking? Or should I try something else like being a teacher a college or something? I just don't know. And I wonder how much of my aniexty is related to being self-employed/unemployed for almost two years now, how much of it is genuinely being jaded with my chosen path, and how much of it is because my meds need to be readjusted (which they do -- they REALLY do! I can't wait for my next apt.)?

Facing the fact that I wanted to do something else with my life and didn't take the chance to do it because of my weight is an earth-shattering revelation for me. Up until now I've believed that I never let my weight stop me from doing what I want to do. In the past 14 years I've produced 12 movies and 6 television series that have been shown on tv and in local theaters, so it's not like I haven't accomplished anything. I've spent so much of my life trying to prove that being fat doesn't make me inferior and that being fat won't stop me from persuing my dreams that now that I realize it has it shakes my world.

I don't like myself. At some level I am disgusted with myself every bit as much as the average Joe is disgusted with how fat I am as they walk by me on the street. This isn't a pity party entery, it's a realization that is important for my quest to lose weight. Being thin won't make me like myself (anyone with Anorexia could tell you that) but I think I would have more respect for myself if I could actually lose some weight and not cringe when I look in the mirror. If I could at least try -- really try -- and lose even a little I could be proud of who I am. I could be proud of having tried.

It's like my bi-polar disorder. By the time I got help I was way over the edge. I've destroyed many friendships in my crazy state and looking back on that and coming to terms with what I did, making amends, forgiving myself but not forgetting, and moving on with the determination to be better and get better -- all of that has made me a better person, someone I can respect and admire. I've spent almost ten years climbing out of the abyss I was in and although I still struggle -- sometimes everyday -- and although I know I'll never be cured I am determined not to give in to the maddness. I took back my life and I am better for that. I am a survivor.

If I could do that with my body -- reclaim it from the years of neglect and fight back against the devil in my head that demands a constant supply of chocolate and daily sacrifices of my self-esteem -- then I think I could look myself in the mirror and respect myself again. I just don't know how to do it. There's no magic pill to help me out of that hole like there was with my BPD, and I can't afford gastric bypass surgery, so what do I do? Where do I go from here?

I know this is a long and rambling, but I really just wanted to talk to someone about all of this and decided that -- since it was too late to call any of my friends and I'd feel a little weird unloading this on them at midnight anyway -- that I should blog about it. That's sort of what this is for right?

Well, anyway. I'm gonna go now. Thanks for reading.

Over the River and Through the Corn

...to Mother's house I go. I'm heading back to CU for a couple of days to hang out with my parents before coming back to KC with them for Thanksgiving (it makes sense if you know my family). But shh! Only my parents are supposed to know I'll be in CU cause I really won't have time to hang out with my CU peeps (maybe lunch. maybe), but I'll see them in a few weeks anyway.

So what does all this have to do with the "fat chick trying not to be fat" blog? Well, when I visit my mom I eat horribly. I tend to view travelling itself as an oppertunity to eat whatever I want -- hey I'm travelling! Rules can be broken! But then I binge and that's no good. Mostly though the problem is at my mom's house for two reasons:

1. I love my mother dearly but being in her house can stress me out and lead me down the thorny path of eating all the chocolate I can find. Emotional eating: terrible habit, but hard to break.

2. Again, I love my mother dearly but dear lord I am terrified of her fridge. It's packed full of stuff and I do not know how long it's been in there. She says everything is fine to eat but some of the things I've tried to eat and found not edible is not a small number. Which leads me back to a diet of chocolate and whatever I can find that I know is safe to eat.

This may be a terrible thing to reveal in a public blog, but it is a huge worry for me with staying close to the weight I'm at now (406) and not to gain 5-10 pounds due to chocolate consumption.

So here's hoping all will go well!

Let's Try Again

So...it's been a while.

Yup fell of the wagon so hard I got a concussion. Seriously I went on a food and sugar binge the day after my last post and spent the last...what is it? 2 months? in guilty denial. I didn't want to update because I didn't want to face the shame of having failed.

But seriously, is it really about failure? This blog is supposed to help me, not hurt me. And how many people have started a diet or lifestyle change that backfired? Most of the US population probably. So, let's restart, shall we?

I'm not just going to use this blog as a food diary and support network, I'm going to use it to air some of my experience of being fat. Most people don't realize what it's like to be 400lbs and to have been heavy for most of your life. They don't realize that food isn't my only nemesis. There are many arch-enemies in my life including chairs, stairs, and the second worst enemy of all: Gravity. More posts on these malicious entities will follow in due time.

Weight update: I was weighed at the doctor as being 398lbs! Woot! I'm under 400lbs! However, the scale at home weighs me at 409lbs...so...don't know where I stand...other than on a scale. I'm going to go ahead and assume my weight is closer to 409lbs and go from there. I was on these awesome antibotics that totally stopped me being hungry. More on that in tomorrow's post. I may not update everyday, but then again...I might. Don't know yet.

Random Thought of the Day:

If you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover why do we work so hard to make them look pretty? And I'm not being metaphorical, there are some damn good looking books out there!