Thursday, August 29, 2013

Back Fat

If the two words at the top of this post gross you out even a little, then don't read this entry because it's pretty much all I'm talking about today. My back fat.

Plus size stores, in general, seem to assume two things about fat women: 

1) The fatter you are, the taller you are.

NOT TRUE!!! I'm a petite, dudes - a PETITE - so when I request a pair of petite size pants it's for a reason.  I can't tell you how many pairs of pants I've had to cut the bottoms off of and hem up over the years, so I would stop tripping all over them and pulling my pants down while walking up a staircase! But this doesn't translate to regular length Capri’s, of course - somehow those still end up being a Capri length when I just want a frickin pair of normal pants I don't have to roll up (because cuffs never stay up) or shorten with a pair of scissors, a needle, and thread.  I can't stitch in a straight line on an area that big and it always looks terrible because I obviously don't know how to properly hem knit pants so the thread doesn't show.  Grrrr!

2) Your boob size is directly proportional to your body fat, so if you are a size 28 you must have DDs.  

NO!  I only have boobs because I'm fat - they're "fat boobs"!  I'm only a C cup because I'm 400lbs - without all the fat I'd be a B or less - and I guarantee the first place the fat will come off is in the front boobs!  

That's right, I said front boobs. Because I have boobs in the back, and those, my friends, are DDDs.  

I have had huge boobs on my back for as long as I can remember.  Certainly I had them by the time I was 14 because I was in a play where I had to wear a corset with a period dress (I was Mrs. Darling in Peter Pan, Which is hilarious because the girl playing Wendy was at least two years older than me and looked it). Luckily my mother is a costumer so she was able to make all of my costumes in high school.  I remember my mother having to build a dummy with my measurements because there were no corset patterns that accounted for back fat.  Once I was in the corset I had way more cleavage in the back than in the front - which was not only annoying, but painful since those puppies had to be squished and squashed instead of the front puppies which could be lifted, fluffed, and settled into place.  

The most annoying thing about them is that they have and continue to make finding attractive clothes that look nice almost impossible.  No Plus-Size designer ever takes back fat into account for the simple reason that the vast majority of fat people simply don't have back fat - certainly not in giant blobs the way I do.  So the very pretty and usually flattering style of the "Empire waist" doesn't work on me because it cuts off the fat in the back.  And now that the front boobs below the real boobs are bigger then their sisters above them, that style doesn't look flattering at all.  

Even bras are annoying to try on and it's hard to find a size and style that works.  The back has to be stretchy elastic with at least three - and hopefully four - hooks to hold it closed.  I can't reach my back to close the bra because the fat is so huge back there, but I haven't been able to find a front clasping bra that will actually fit around my back fat enough to fasten.  AND it has to go under the back boobs and be able to support them.  It's extremely frustrating!

The most frustrating thing is knowing that very few women have such an issue.  When I see a fat woman walking around, I always look to see if they have a "normal" back or suffer from a ton of back fat.  I've only ever seen one stranger who had back fat like I do.  I feel like regular fat women can't understand this frustration because it really affects what you can wear and how you look and feel.  

So my wardrobe consists of knit pants, big shirts - preferably long - and jackets and sweaters that no matter how big or stretchy still pucker in the back across my massive DDDs. Any dresses I wear are shaped like tents and usually have a jacket over them - and forget about finding a nice looking Halloween costume!  I can no longer fit into any of the outfits my mother made me so it's just what I can whip up for myself on that front - which isn't much and tends to be jacketed tents.  

 I'm hoping that with the surgery and enough weight loss, I will be able to wear all the beautiful costumes my mother made for me back when I was a size 22/24.  I hope some of the weight I lose will come from the back, but I doubt it.  The back fat is likely to be the last thing that comes off.

Honestly I have three pairs of boobs - two in the front and one in the back.  And of course the smallest pair is in the actual place that boobs should be.  The second set of front boobs came from growing so fat that the back boobs apparently couldn't stretch any further.  They were like "dude, we're out of room!  What do we do now?  I know - let's continue our path of fatty destruction and party in the front!"

Anyway, I know why I have the back fat - it's a side effect from the PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  Some women are pear-shaped, but I'm apple-shaped.  If you take a photo of me from above then I look like a ball with a tiny head in the center - I'm not kidding!  I totally do!  

And I look enough like a giant beach ball to fool ocean waves into thinking I'm something they can play volleyball with.  Totally true, dude - the last time I swam in the ocean the waves knocked me around and I bounced back and forth like a ball.  I had trouble getting to shore because the waves were all like "noooo!  come back!!  I haven't scored enough points yet against that east wave bastard!" With the waves pulling me back repeatedly I almost drowned - but that's another story. One that involves a giant wave, four burly strangers, my dad, and a wall.  But now that I have you curious, I'm not going to tell it. Because this post isn't about near death experiences, or kind and burly strangers - it's about back fat.

Back fat!  I hate you!  The first thing I'm gonna do if I ever win a million dollars is hack you off and put in iron plates so you can't ever grow back!  

And now I'm done. 

1 comment:

  1. I read something somewhere that back fat - and underarm fat - is often at least partially breast tissue that has been squeezed back there through ill-fitting bras. Epbot has a fantastic article about proper bra fitting. Not that it necessarily applies to you, but it's worth reading in general.

    I can't hook my bra behind my back either. I've been hooking it in front and then sliding it around as long as I've been wearing bras.

    Should I feel bad for laughing at the picture of you in the waves? Because I totally am.