Really, people? Come on!

Whoever decided that extremely fat women really wanted straight skirts with a long slit up the back was clearly smoking something not approved by the FDA.

Yikes!

So my weigh-in was not good, not that I expected it to be. I am 412lbs, up from 406lbs two weeks ago. So that's 6lbs in two weeks. now I have to see if I can lose that 6lbs in another two weeks. I was really hoping to be under 400lb by the new year, but with the holidays coming up that probably won't happen. So, I'm gonna aim to be under 400lbs by March 1. That's the new goal.

Turkey Calories Don't Count

Seriously, do the calories consumed on Thanksgiving really count? One the one hand yes, and on the other no. I don't eat like that every day. I don't think anyone does. Or could. But what does it say about the US that one of our biggest national holidays revolves around a freaking huge meal? And don't get me started on the historical ramifications of the dietary choices of current foods versus pilgrim fare. Pilgrims did have cool hats though. Gotta get me one of those.

It's not just one day of course. There are leftovers that must be eaten. And sadly those calories do count! Still, I am recovering from the day-of-much-fatty-goodness, but I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm kinda scared. I'll do the weigh in first thing tomorrow and hopefully won't have done as much damage as I think I did. Darn you corn casserole! Why must you taste so good strange-pretzel-jello-salad-I-never-tasted-before-but-now-dream-of-being-reunited-with?

Vocational Rehab

So I applied for Vocational Rehabilitation last week with my case manager and I really hope I get it because I could totally use vocational rehabilitation. Actually I could use vocational recessitation. I'm severely struggling with my career. I've known for a long time what I wanted to do with my life career wise and although parts of it has changed the general direction hasn't until a few years ago. I wanted to be an actress then director then editor over the years but obviosuly wanted to be in the Entertainment industry.

I know I'm a good editor, but I'm not a great one and apparently I'm not an employable one in this market. I just don't know enough software. I'm a great montage editor and a good FCP editor but am not a graphic designer which seems to be what people want. I know if I go to CA I'd have better luck finding a job that fits with my skill set better, but I don't want to go to CA for a number of reasons. The #1 reason is simply that I'm scared.

Sacred of failing. Scared of losing my sanity being so far away from my family support group. And probably most of all scared that I'll be even more ridiculed, judged, and made fun of for being fat. Los Angeles is full of skinny pretty people and from everything I've heard it's a plastic world full of shallow people. Maybe I'm hearing what I want to believe because I'm scared, but a 400lbs girl just doesn't seem to have a chance in Hollywood in any aspect of production is what I think and feel.

The sad thing is that recently I've come to realize that as much as I love being behind the camera I find that part of me really wants to be in front of it. I can't stand how I look, however, so I don't step in front unless I have to because I need another actor. I think that what I really wanted to do with my life is be an actor, but being a fat chick I realized that I would never make as an actor and chose to focus my energies behind the scenes instead. I made myself believe that I prefered to be behind the camera but I have to wonder if I was fooling myself somehow.

It's too late to have an acting career now and I feel even more self concious at 400lbs then I did at 250 (which is what I was my senior year of high school). But I wonder if I should try getting back onstage or something. It would feel really wierd to be an actor again. Maybe I could write a movie for me to star in and try out acting that way. But editing my fat ass would be a problem for me because I don't like how I look. Wow. I'm being brutally honest with myself in a way I haven't been before.

I don't know what to do with my life right now. Should I stick to being a video editor and take classes to learn the skills I'm lacking? Or should I try something else like being a teacher a college or something? I just don't know. And I wonder how much of my aniexty is related to being self-employed/unemployed for almost two years now, how much of it is genuinely being jaded with my chosen path, and how much of it is because my meds need to be readjusted (which they do -- they REALLY do! I can't wait for my next apt.)?

Facing the fact that I wanted to do something else with my life and didn't take the chance to do it because of my weight is an earth-shattering revelation for me. Up until now I've believed that I never let my weight stop me from doing what I want to do. In the past 14 years I've produced 12 movies and 6 television series that have been shown on tv and in local theaters, so it's not like I haven't accomplished anything. I've spent so much of my life trying to prove that being fat doesn't make me inferior and that being fat won't stop me from persuing my dreams that now that I realize it has it shakes my world.

I don't like myself. At some level I am disgusted with myself every bit as much as the average Joe is disgusted with how fat I am as they walk by me on the street. This isn't a pity party entery, it's a realization that is important for my quest to lose weight. Being thin won't make me like myself (anyone with Anorexia could tell you that) but I think I would have more respect for myself if I could actually lose some weight and not cringe when I look in the mirror. If I could at least try -- really try -- and lose even a little I could be proud of who I am. I could be proud of having tried.

It's like my bi-polar disorder. By the time I got help I was way over the edge. I've destroyed many friendships in my crazy state and looking back on that and coming to terms with what I did, making amends, forgiving myself but not forgetting, and moving on with the determination to be better and get better -- all of that has made me a better person, someone I can respect and admire. I've spent almost ten years climbing out of the abyss I was in and although I still struggle -- sometimes everyday -- and although I know I'll never be cured I am determined not to give in to the maddness. I took back my life and I am better for that. I am a survivor.

If I could do that with my body -- reclaim it from the years of neglect and fight back against the devil in my head that demands a constant supply of chocolate and daily sacrifices of my self-esteem -- then I think I could look myself in the mirror and respect myself again. I just don't know how to do it. There's no magic pill to help me out of that hole like there was with my BPD, and I can't afford gastric bypass surgery, so what do I do? Where do I go from here?

I know this is a long and rambling, but I really just wanted to talk to someone about all of this and decided that -- since it was too late to call any of my friends and I'd feel a little weird unloading this on them at midnight anyway -- that I should blog about it. That's sort of what this is for right?

Well, anyway. I'm gonna go now. Thanks for reading.

Over the River and Through the Corn

...to Mother's house I go. I'm heading back to CU for a couple of days to hang out with my parents before coming back to KC with them for Thanksgiving (it makes sense if you know my family). But shh! Only my parents are supposed to know I'll be in CU cause I really won't have time to hang out with my CU peeps (maybe lunch. maybe), but I'll see them in a few weeks anyway.

So what does all this have to do with the "fat chick trying not to be fat" blog? Well, when I visit my mom I eat horribly. I tend to view travelling itself as an oppertunity to eat whatever I want -- hey I'm travelling! Rules can be broken! But then I binge and that's no good. Mostly though the problem is at my mom's house for two reasons:

1. I love my mother dearly but being in her house can stress me out and lead me down the thorny path of eating all the chocolate I can find. Emotional eating: terrible habit, but hard to break.

2. Again, I love my mother dearly but dear lord I am terrified of her fridge. It's packed full of stuff and I do not know how long it's been in there. She says everything is fine to eat but some of the things I've tried to eat and found not edible is not a small number. Which leads me back to a diet of chocolate and whatever I can find that I know is safe to eat.

This may be a terrible thing to reveal in a public blog, but it is a huge worry for me with staying close to the weight I'm at now (406) and not to gain 5-10 pounds due to chocolate consumption.

So here's hoping all will go well!

Let's Try Again

So...it's been a while.

Yup fell of the wagon so hard I got a concussion. Seriously I went on a food and sugar binge the day after my last post and spent the last...what is it? 2 months? in guilty denial. I didn't want to update because I didn't want to face the shame of having failed.

But seriously, is it really about failure? This blog is supposed to help me, not hurt me. And how many people have started a diet or lifestyle change that backfired? Most of the US population probably. So, let's restart, shall we?

I'm not just going to use this blog as a food diary and support network, I'm going to use it to air some of my experience of being fat. Most people don't realize what it's like to be 400lbs and to have been heavy for most of your life. They don't realize that food isn't my only nemesis. There are many arch-enemies in my life including chairs, stairs, and the second worst enemy of all: Gravity. More posts on these malicious entities will follow in due time.

Weight update: I was weighed at the doctor as being 398lbs! Woot! I'm under 400lbs! However, the scale at home weighs me at 409lbs...so...don't know where I stand...other than on a scale. I'm going to go ahead and assume my weight is closer to 409lbs and go from there. I was on these awesome antibotics that totally stopped me being hungry. More on that in tomorrow's post. I may not update everyday, but then again...I might. Don't know yet.

Random Thought of the Day:

If you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover why do we work so hard to make them look pretty? And I'm not being metaphorical, there are some damn good looking books out there!

Pancakes of Doom

Tuesday (Day 3) went great, although I only drank about three glasses of water and two glasses of milk. Not quite enough but better then I used to do. Milk level was fine but I need to chug more water. And tea. Need to add in the tea.

Today however I backslid, which is okay -- it's bound to happen I just can't let it throw me off course completely like it usually does. Gen made chocolate chip pancakes for lunch and since I only eat CCcakes about once every other year I totally had some. I ate two regular pancakes with less syurp then usual and then had about a half of a CCcake. so not terrible but not great either. however I refuse to beat myself up over that. I did later on consume two chocolate chip cookies but they ended up not tasting as good as I remembered and paled in comparison to the CCcakes so I think it was ultimately good to eat those because I know I am losing some of my edge for sweets. That's good to know.

Someone suggested counting weeks instead of days, but right now it's only been a few days so for me making it through a whole day is easier then thinking in terms of weeks. After a week or two then I'll start counting weeks. Did that make sense? I also found out that blueberries are one of the healthiest foods around so since Gen buys blueberries in bulk I'm set for a healthy snack!

Is Zucchini Bread a dessert?

Day Two went pretty well overall. I ignored the taunts of the box of donuts -- even when I gave half of one to my niece I still resisted. I did eat Zucchini Bread though (3 slices (not all at once)) but does that count as a "sweet"? It's a sweet bread, but it has vegetables in it so does that automatically cancel out the sugar factor in dessert terms? I helped Gen and the kids make it from fresh Zucchini grown in the garden in the backyard so naturally I wanted to enjoy it too. And dude, it's like the best batch of Zucchini bread ever.

Still haven't had soda -- just water and milk. I'll have had almost all 64 oz of recommended daily water so that's good. Filling up a ginormous mug helps get there pretty fast. I may have to have some caffeinated tea soon cause I think I'm getting headaches from the lack of caffeine. Or I'm just imagining symptoms because I know I'm off caffeine. Given my gigamatoric imagination (which includes inventing new words apparently) it's probably the latter rather then the former.

Water...works?

Another step I'm taking is giving up soda for as long as I can (it makes my tummy unhappy if I drink too much anyway) and instead drinking only water, milk (at meals), and unsweetened hot or iced tea (my only caffine option left without soda or chocolate). Mostly I'm focusing on trying to drink the recommended 8 glasses of water a day since water can fill you up and is good for you in oh so many ways. The only problem is it's flavorless so that's taking some getting used to.

I have had a lot of friends and family comment here and on facebook with lots of support and I have to say that's totally awesome and great motivation for me to keep going. It's like running a marathon -- it's just easier with people cheering you on along the way. Mind you I've never run a marathon, but I imagine that helps. Some people have also commented on me starting this blog as being very brave. I'm not sure how, but I'll take the compliment anyway. Thanks everyone!

Also, another obstacle I failed to mention is the fact that I live with my sister and her family, so sweets are around. I can't really control what food she has on hand, but I know that she supports me in this effort and will gladly hide the sweets and get more veggies if I ask her to. (She has a lot of veggies already so that's not really the issue.)

In other news, I spent brunch being taunted by the donuts again. But they lost their allure in the face of potato salad. Not the most healthly of lunch sides, I know, but infinately better than donuts.

Small Success

So I successfully made it through the whole day without eating any sweets even though plenty were available. This may not seem like much of an achievement, but considering the severity of my addiction to sugar it's a huge step. Most of all I know I have the willpower to resist if I really want to. That's huge. Now to see if I can sustain it for the rest of the week. After the first week I'll allow myself very small portions of sweets once or twice a week.

The hardest part was staring down a box of delicious looking donuts during my late lunch/snack time this afternoon.

It was hard -- very hard -- but I resisted temptation. Yay!

(And yes, my cartoon version of me reflects the image of me in my mind -- a normal sized redhead. Clearly my brain prefers illusion to reality.)

First Steps

This is week one of my new life. The first step is to reduce my cravings for sugary desserts by denying myself sugary foods like cookies, ice cream, soda, and donuts for a week which will hopefully reduce my constant need for the tempting little buggers. Fruit is okay, even though it's sweet and sugary in its own way -- but only because I do not have superhuman willpower and fresh fruit is too delicious to give up.

I'm five hours into my day and have already resisted sugary cereal, chocolate chip cookies, and donuts so I'm doing good so far. Here's hoping I can resist those evil Sugar Sirens.

GOALS AND OBSTACLES

OVERALL GOAL:

To lose weight, get in shape, and become healthy so I can live a long life and see my adorable nieces and nephews grow up. Also being in shape will help me with my career because being a freelance editor involves a lot more field production then you'd think.

WEIGHT GOALS:

Long term -- lose 250 lbs

Short term -- get back under 400 lbs by Jan. 1

Immediate -- to lose 10 lbs in 2 months

HOW TO ACHIEVE GOALS:

I'm not going to diet, I'm going to change how I view food, eating, and exercise to make apermanent life style change. People have told me that diet and exercise is the key to losing weight so I'll give it a try. After all my previous methods of catching a leprechaun or finding a genie in a lamp and wishing myself skinny haven't worked out so far. Apparently you can't lose weight by osmosis which makes sense so I guess I can try diet and exercise instead.

OBSTACLES:

I have a number of problems to overcome beyond sheer laziness.

1. I don't have a scale that can weigh me. Most scales do not weigh anything over 400 lbs, so I have no idea what my actual weight is at this moment and no real way to tell if I've lost weight in small increments which leads to very little motivation. I need to see the weight get lower in order to know that the changes I'm making in my life are making a difference in my weight. I'm visiting a doctor this next week so hopefully I'll get an accurate weight.

2. I've told myself all my life that being fat was okay, it was what was inside that matters. That is true to a certain extent, but I'm dangerously fat now and it's long past time to shed the pounds. But how do I undo an ingrained mindset -- a mental crutch that I've been living with for 26 years? I don't know but I'm gonna have to figure it out.

3. I've never been thin. Seriously -- never! I've been significantly fatter then everyone else since I was 6 years old. I was 200-250lbs by high school. So I don't know what it's like to be thin. I can dimly remember a time when I was thinner, but never thin. I've always worried about breaking chairs when I sit down since before High School. A lot of the other fat women I've talked to say they miss being thin -- but I can't miss it because I've never experienced it. It just makes motivation harder because I'm not trying to get back to a state I'm been in, I'm trying to find a way to get to a place I was never at to begin with.

4. Medical Problems. I know a lot of people roll their eyes when a fat persons says they have a medical condition, but the truth is you don't get to be over 400 lbs at 5'5 just by overeating. You just don't. I'm morbidly obese and it stems in part from having Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS threw my body chemistry out of whack and resulted in the surgical removal of an 8 1/2 lb cyst when I was fifteen, a chronic problem with Insulin Resistance which has turned into Diabetes now, weight gain, and beard hair (which is just ridiculouslyobnoxious). So it's harder for me to lose weight then your average Jane cause I can't just "diet" I have to change how I eat and what I eat permanently. However I do also overeat, eat lots of sugar, and don't exercise at all so the weight blame is not all for medical reasons.

5. I'm Bipolar. What does a mental illness have to do with physical weight? A lot. When I'm manic I might do a lot of exercise or start a really strict diet that I can't maintain when I crash. And when I'm depressed I have trouble doing anything at all. There are some days when if I can get up and get dressed I'm doing really good. I am medicated and have spent the last nine years trying to get my illness under control and now I feel that it's pretty well managed. That said it's still an extra complication that has to be dealt with and not ignored. Also I spent the last nine years on a medication that had weight gain as a side effect so that was totally not good. I've switched to another med and am stabilized on it so that's good. I also want to add that as far as I'm concerned my bipolar disorder is not an excuse -- it's an explanation, but it's never an excuse.

6. I talk too much. That's not really an obstacle to losing weight it may cause me to lose a lot blog readers including the friends and family who get enough my gab in person and don't need the computerized version.

Let's Get This Party Started!

I am over 400 lbs and I need to lose weight. That's the basic premise of this blog. I'm fat. I have been fat all my life and frankly I'm getting a little sick of it. I'm 31 so obviously it took a while for me to get to this point (both in weight and frustration). This is my first blog and though I doubt anyone other than my family and some friends will read it, I feel the need to make myself accountable to someone or something in order to give me motivation to meet my goals.

ABOUT ME:

You may be wondering about me. Or not. But since I like to talk I'll tell you about me any way. Been fat all my life obviously, but I learned to either successfully challenge those who insulted me or ignore it completely. I'm oblivious to a lot of things so ignoring the world around me is almost second nature. Sad but true.

I grew up in community theater with a bipolar mother who designed costumes and an epileptic actor-director father whose day job was writing science fiction books. I have three siblings -- two sisters and a brother -- all of which are older then me. I totally have Spoiled-Youngest-Child Syndrome.

I've been acting since I was 8, writing stories since I was 12, producing and filming movies since I was 17, and professionally editing since I was 19. I'm a published author with a respectable number of rejection letters for unpublished novels, a freelance editor who has operated my own business including wedding videography (More Than Words Videos), demo reel production (Reel Chance Productions), and narrative movies and TV shows (Sine Fine Films). I have a BA in University Studies from SIUC with a duel emphasis in Cinema and Anthropology and a Minor in Classical Civilizations (I can "Luke I am your father" in Latin!).

Other strange accomplishments include founding a gypsy dancing troupe in high school, winning over 20 medals in Speech Team events, writing and producing a radio play that was aired and adored in Australia, having 5 out of the 6 TV shows I've made be aired on multiple local TV stations, creating seven nationally aired promotional spots for APT and PBS, and being the lead editor on a series of documentaries that were nominated for two Emmy Awards. I also have the worst spelling of anyone I know.

In my spare time I design fantastical masks and doll clothes based on mythical gods, roam the countryside looking for historical landmarks, make up new kingdoms in my head, care for my two cat Mujaji, and dote on my two nieces and three nephews.

And if you've read all of this you're either a REALLY good friend or a glutton for punishment.