Pancakes of Doom

Tuesday (Day 3) went great, although I only drank about three glasses of water and two glasses of milk. Not quite enough but better then I used to do. Milk level was fine but I need to chug more water. And tea. Need to add in the tea.

Today however I backslid, which is okay -- it's bound to happen I just can't let it throw me off course completely like it usually does. Gen made chocolate chip pancakes for lunch and since I only eat CCcakes about once every other year I totally had some. I ate two regular pancakes with less syurp then usual and then had about a half of a CCcake. so not terrible but not great either. however I refuse to beat myself up over that. I did later on consume two chocolate chip cookies but they ended up not tasting as good as I remembered and paled in comparison to the CCcakes so I think it was ultimately good to eat those because I know I am losing some of my edge for sweets. That's good to know.

Someone suggested counting weeks instead of days, but right now it's only been a few days so for me making it through a whole day is easier then thinking in terms of weeks. After a week or two then I'll start counting weeks. Did that make sense? I also found out that blueberries are one of the healthiest foods around so since Gen buys blueberries in bulk I'm set for a healthy snack!

Is Zucchini Bread a dessert?

Day Two went pretty well overall. I ignored the taunts of the box of donuts -- even when I gave half of one to my niece I still resisted. I did eat Zucchini Bread though (3 slices (not all at once)) but does that count as a "sweet"? It's a sweet bread, but it has vegetables in it so does that automatically cancel out the sugar factor in dessert terms? I helped Gen and the kids make it from fresh Zucchini grown in the garden in the backyard so naturally I wanted to enjoy it too. And dude, it's like the best batch of Zucchini bread ever.

Still haven't had soda -- just water and milk. I'll have had almost all 64 oz of recommended daily water so that's good. Filling up a ginormous mug helps get there pretty fast. I may have to have some caffeinated tea soon cause I think I'm getting headaches from the lack of caffeine. Or I'm just imagining symptoms because I know I'm off caffeine. Given my gigamatoric imagination (which includes inventing new words apparently) it's probably the latter rather then the former.

Water...works?

Another step I'm taking is giving up soda for as long as I can (it makes my tummy unhappy if I drink too much anyway) and instead drinking only water, milk (at meals), and unsweetened hot or iced tea (my only caffine option left without soda or chocolate). Mostly I'm focusing on trying to drink the recommended 8 glasses of water a day since water can fill you up and is good for you in oh so many ways. The only problem is it's flavorless so that's taking some getting used to.

I have had a lot of friends and family comment here and on facebook with lots of support and I have to say that's totally awesome and great motivation for me to keep going. It's like running a marathon -- it's just easier with people cheering you on along the way. Mind you I've never run a marathon, but I imagine that helps. Some people have also commented on me starting this blog as being very brave. I'm not sure how, but I'll take the compliment anyway. Thanks everyone!

Also, another obstacle I failed to mention is the fact that I live with my sister and her family, so sweets are around. I can't really control what food she has on hand, but I know that she supports me in this effort and will gladly hide the sweets and get more veggies if I ask her to. (She has a lot of veggies already so that's not really the issue.)

In other news, I spent brunch being taunted by the donuts again. But they lost their allure in the face of potato salad. Not the most healthly of lunch sides, I know, but infinately better than donuts.

Small Success

So I successfully made it through the whole day without eating any sweets even though plenty were available. This may not seem like much of an achievement, but considering the severity of my addiction to sugar it's a huge step. Most of all I know I have the willpower to resist if I really want to. That's huge. Now to see if I can sustain it for the rest of the week. After the first week I'll allow myself very small portions of sweets once or twice a week.

The hardest part was staring down a box of delicious looking donuts during my late lunch/snack time this afternoon.

It was hard -- very hard -- but I resisted temptation. Yay!

(And yes, my cartoon version of me reflects the image of me in my mind -- a normal sized redhead. Clearly my brain prefers illusion to reality.)

First Steps

This is week one of my new life. The first step is to reduce my cravings for sugary desserts by denying myself sugary foods like cookies, ice cream, soda, and donuts for a week which will hopefully reduce my constant need for the tempting little buggers. Fruit is okay, even though it's sweet and sugary in its own way -- but only because I do not have superhuman willpower and fresh fruit is too delicious to give up.

I'm five hours into my day and have already resisted sugary cereal, chocolate chip cookies, and donuts so I'm doing good so far. Here's hoping I can resist those evil Sugar Sirens.

GOALS AND OBSTACLES

OVERALL GOAL:

To lose weight, get in shape, and become healthy so I can live a long life and see my adorable nieces and nephews grow up. Also being in shape will help me with my career because being a freelance editor involves a lot more field production then you'd think.

WEIGHT GOALS:

Long term -- lose 250 lbs

Short term -- get back under 400 lbs by Jan. 1

Immediate -- to lose 10 lbs in 2 months

HOW TO ACHIEVE GOALS:

I'm not going to diet, I'm going to change how I view food, eating, and exercise to make apermanent life style change. People have told me that diet and exercise is the key to losing weight so I'll give it a try. After all my previous methods of catching a leprechaun or finding a genie in a lamp and wishing myself skinny haven't worked out so far. Apparently you can't lose weight by osmosis which makes sense so I guess I can try diet and exercise instead.

OBSTACLES:

I have a number of problems to overcome beyond sheer laziness.

1. I don't have a scale that can weigh me. Most scales do not weigh anything over 400 lbs, so I have no idea what my actual weight is at this moment and no real way to tell if I've lost weight in small increments which leads to very little motivation. I need to see the weight get lower in order to know that the changes I'm making in my life are making a difference in my weight. I'm visiting a doctor this next week so hopefully I'll get an accurate weight.

2. I've told myself all my life that being fat was okay, it was what was inside that matters. That is true to a certain extent, but I'm dangerously fat now and it's long past time to shed the pounds. But how do I undo an ingrained mindset -- a mental crutch that I've been living with for 26 years? I don't know but I'm gonna have to figure it out.

3. I've never been thin. Seriously -- never! I've been significantly fatter then everyone else since I was 6 years old. I was 200-250lbs by high school. So I don't know what it's like to be thin. I can dimly remember a time when I was thinner, but never thin. I've always worried about breaking chairs when I sit down since before High School. A lot of the other fat women I've talked to say they miss being thin -- but I can't miss it because I've never experienced it. It just makes motivation harder because I'm not trying to get back to a state I'm been in, I'm trying to find a way to get to a place I was never at to begin with.

4. Medical Problems. I know a lot of people roll their eyes when a fat persons says they have a medical condition, but the truth is you don't get to be over 400 lbs at 5'5 just by overeating. You just don't. I'm morbidly obese and it stems in part from having Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS threw my body chemistry out of whack and resulted in the surgical removal of an 8 1/2 lb cyst when I was fifteen, a chronic problem with Insulin Resistance which has turned into Diabetes now, weight gain, and beard hair (which is just ridiculouslyobnoxious). So it's harder for me to lose weight then your average Jane cause I can't just "diet" I have to change how I eat and what I eat permanently. However I do also overeat, eat lots of sugar, and don't exercise at all so the weight blame is not all for medical reasons.

5. I'm Bipolar. What does a mental illness have to do with physical weight? A lot. When I'm manic I might do a lot of exercise or start a really strict diet that I can't maintain when I crash. And when I'm depressed I have trouble doing anything at all. There are some days when if I can get up and get dressed I'm doing really good. I am medicated and have spent the last nine years trying to get my illness under control and now I feel that it's pretty well managed. That said it's still an extra complication that has to be dealt with and not ignored. Also I spent the last nine years on a medication that had weight gain as a side effect so that was totally not good. I've switched to another med and am stabilized on it so that's good. I also want to add that as far as I'm concerned my bipolar disorder is not an excuse -- it's an explanation, but it's never an excuse.

6. I talk too much. That's not really an obstacle to losing weight it may cause me to lose a lot blog readers including the friends and family who get enough my gab in person and don't need the computerized version.

Let's Get This Party Started!

I am over 400 lbs and I need to lose weight. That's the basic premise of this blog. I'm fat. I have been fat all my life and frankly I'm getting a little sick of it. I'm 31 so obviously it took a while for me to get to this point (both in weight and frustration). This is my first blog and though I doubt anyone other than my family and some friends will read it, I feel the need to make myself accountable to someone or something in order to give me motivation to meet my goals.

ABOUT ME:

You may be wondering about me. Or not. But since I like to talk I'll tell you about me any way. Been fat all my life obviously, but I learned to either successfully challenge those who insulted me or ignore it completely. I'm oblivious to a lot of things so ignoring the world around me is almost second nature. Sad but true.

I grew up in community theater with a bipolar mother who designed costumes and an epileptic actor-director father whose day job was writing science fiction books. I have three siblings -- two sisters and a brother -- all of which are older then me. I totally have Spoiled-Youngest-Child Syndrome.

I've been acting since I was 8, writing stories since I was 12, producing and filming movies since I was 17, and professionally editing since I was 19. I'm a published author with a respectable number of rejection letters for unpublished novels, a freelance editor who has operated my own business including wedding videography (More Than Words Videos), demo reel production (Reel Chance Productions), and narrative movies and TV shows (Sine Fine Films). I have a BA in University Studies from SIUC with a duel emphasis in Cinema and Anthropology and a Minor in Classical Civilizations (I can "Luke I am your father" in Latin!).

Other strange accomplishments include founding a gypsy dancing troupe in high school, winning over 20 medals in Speech Team events, writing and producing a radio play that was aired and adored in Australia, having 5 out of the 6 TV shows I've made be aired on multiple local TV stations, creating seven nationally aired promotional spots for APT and PBS, and being the lead editor on a series of documentaries that were nominated for two Emmy Awards. I also have the worst spelling of anyone I know.

In my spare time I design fantastical masks and doll clothes based on mythical gods, roam the countryside looking for historical landmarks, make up new kingdoms in my head, care for my two cat Mujaji, and dote on my two nieces and three nephews.

And if you've read all of this you're either a REALLY good friend or a glutton for punishment.