In fact I'm about 95% certain that I will be going through Gastric Bypass surgery if I can get my insurance company to pay for all or most of it. I've had doctors telling me for years (about 15 years in fact) that I should consider or get Gastric Bypass surgery to which my reply has always been: "Sounds great! Are you gonna pay for it?"
Well, now it's become almost a medical necessity rather than a luxury, so there's some hope that insurance will pay for it and if they do then I will get it. *deep breath*
I'm going to go over more details about the surgery in my next post. Mostly I am back here to blog about my thoughts on the surgery and all of the emotional issues it brings up, as well as reflecting on life from a fat person's point of view. I'm going to treat this like a diary because I need a sounding board basically to spew out my thoughts about all this. The reason I'm making my private thoughts on the subject public is because in talking to a lot of people it seems that other fat girls (and maybe guys) could get something from these posts as well. Not sure if that's true, but what the hell.
For those who don't know me and would like to know more about me check out this post. I've revised and updated it cause it was way out of date.
I have also included a few quick facts that you should know about me if you're going to read this blog:
FACT #1 - I am over 400lbs
FACT #2 - I have been fat all my life, since 1st Grade, and I have always been fatter than all of my peers.
FACT #3 - My inner self is thin. When I look in a mirror or see myself in a photo it's still a little jarring. I know logically that I am fat - morbidly obese in fact, but the vision of myself in my head is about 5'7, 150 lbs, and has red hair (cause I've always wanted red hair). And actual boobs (in the front, not the back). So when you see the little cartoons I draw of myself that don't look anything like me - that's why.
FACT #4 - I am Bi-Polar. I was diagnosed over ten years ago and this has had a major impact on both my life and my weight and makes losing weight more difficult then you might think. I will occasionally address my mental illness in posts since it is such a huge part of my life.
FACT #5 - I am currently unemployed (although officially still self-employed, but without any clients) and am on disability for both my Bi-polar Disorder and for my weight - primarily for the combination of the two that makes finding work extremely difficult.
FACT #6 - I often feel ugly next to other people and have long compensated by trying to be great at other things. So when I talk about being ugly, I'm not fishing for compliments, it's what I believe at times.
FACT #7 - I come from a large and dysfunctional family of six (two parents, four kids, and numerous cats). My family is very important to me and I will reference them often, especially my mother and father and the sister I currently live with. I live with my sister, Gen, her husband and their three children and yes, I'll talk about the kids quite a bit too.
FACT #8 - I love taking photos, but I hate being in them because I don't like the way I look. However, I will be posting photos of me a lot because I think it's important to see what I look like when I talk about how I feel.
FACT #9 - I like costumes. A lot. That's probably not very important for this blog, it's just a fact.
And last, but not least - one of the most important things about me:
FACT #10 - I am me. I may not be proud to be fat or Bi-polar but I am not ashamed of it either. Not at all. I talk about both quite openly and frankly because I believe it's better to talk about things that seem taboo then to keep sticking them in the naughty corner and trying to ignore them. I may low self-esteem and often low self-confidence, but I have always had a very strong sense of self. I may want to look like other people, but I have never wanted to be anyone but myself.
As a result, I am very opinionated and I may say things you don't agree with - however I am interested in other opinions and like the idea of a free exchange of thoughts and ideas, at least now that I'm medicated I do. So if I touch a nerve feel free to challenge me in the comments, just keep it reasonably polite and don't flame (or set yourself on fire, which honestly is what the phrase "flaming" sounds like to me).
And if you're read all of this and are still awake then you probably need as much help as I do, or some sleeping pills.