Sunday, November 21, 2010

Vocational Rehab

So I applied for Vocational Rehabilitation last week with my case manager and I really hope I get it because I could totally use vocational rehabilitation. Actually I could use vocational recessitation. I'm severely struggling with my career. I've known for a long time what I wanted to do with my life career wise and although parts of it has changed the general direction hasn't until a few years ago. I wanted to be an actress then director then editor over the years but obviosuly wanted to be in the Entertainment industry.

I know I'm a good editor, but I'm not a great one and apparently I'm not an employable one in this market. I just don't know enough software. I'm a great montage editor and a good FCP editor but am not a graphic designer which seems to be what people want. I know if I go to CA I'd have better luck finding a job that fits with my skill set better, but I don't want to go to CA for a number of reasons. The #1 reason is simply that I'm scared.

Sacred of failing. Scared of losing my sanity being so far away from my family support group. And probably most of all scared that I'll be even more ridiculed, judged, and made fun of for being fat. Los Angeles is full of skinny pretty people and from everything I've heard it's a plastic world full of shallow people. Maybe I'm hearing what I want to believe because I'm scared, but a 400lbs girl just doesn't seem to have a chance in Hollywood in any aspect of production is what I think and feel.

The sad thing is that recently I've come to realize that as much as I love being behind the camera I find that part of me really wants to be in front of it. I can't stand how I look, however, so I don't step in front unless I have to because I need another actor. I think that what I really wanted to do with my life is be an actor, but being a fat chick I realized that I would never make as an actor and chose to focus my energies behind the scenes instead. I made myself believe that I prefered to be behind the camera but I have to wonder if I was fooling myself somehow.

It's too late to have an acting career now and I feel even more self concious at 400lbs then I did at 250 (which is what I was my senior year of high school). But I wonder if I should try getting back onstage or something. It would feel really wierd to be an actor again. Maybe I could write a movie for me to star in and try out acting that way. But editing my fat ass would be a problem for me because I don't like how I look. Wow. I'm being brutally honest with myself in a way I haven't been before.

I don't know what to do with my life right now. Should I stick to being a video editor and take classes to learn the skills I'm lacking? Or should I try something else like being a teacher a college or something? I just don't know. And I wonder how much of my aniexty is related to being self-employed/unemployed for almost two years now, how much of it is genuinely being jaded with my chosen path, and how much of it is because my meds need to be readjusted (which they do -- they REALLY do! I can't wait for my next apt.)?

Facing the fact that I wanted to do something else with my life and didn't take the chance to do it because of my weight is an earth-shattering revelation for me. Up until now I've believed that I never let my weight stop me from doing what I want to do. In the past 14 years I've produced 12 movies and 6 television series that have been shown on tv and in local theaters, so it's not like I haven't accomplished anything. I've spent so much of my life trying to prove that being fat doesn't make me inferior and that being fat won't stop me from persuing my dreams that now that I realize it has it shakes my world.

I don't like myself. At some level I am disgusted with myself every bit as much as the average Joe is disgusted with how fat I am as they walk by me on the street. This isn't a pity party entery, it's a realization that is important for my quest to lose weight. Being thin won't make me like myself (anyone with Anorexia could tell you that) but I think I would have more respect for myself if I could actually lose some weight and not cringe when I look in the mirror. If I could at least try -- really try -- and lose even a little I could be proud of who I am. I could be proud of having tried.

It's like my bi-polar disorder. By the time I got help I was way over the edge. I've destroyed many friendships in my crazy state and looking back on that and coming to terms with what I did, making amends, forgiving myself but not forgetting, and moving on with the determination to be better and get better -- all of that has made me a better person, someone I can respect and admire. I've spent almost ten years climbing out of the abyss I was in and although I still struggle -- sometimes everyday -- and although I know I'll never be cured I am determined not to give in to the maddness. I took back my life and I am better for that. I am a survivor.

If I could do that with my body -- reclaim it from the years of neglect and fight back against the devil in my head that demands a constant supply of chocolate and daily sacrifices of my self-esteem -- then I think I could look myself in the mirror and respect myself again. I just don't know how to do it. There's no magic pill to help me out of that hole like there was with my BPD, and I can't afford gastric bypass surgery, so what do I do? Where do I go from here?

I know this is a long and rambling, but I really just wanted to talk to someone about all of this and decided that -- since it was too late to call any of my friends and I'd feel a little weird unloading this on them at midnight anyway -- that I should blog about it. That's sort of what this is for right?

Well, anyway. I'm gonna go now. Thanks for reading.


  1. And I read this to my mom (stupidly) and she totally doesn't get it and never will. I should have known better. I'm searching for answers even though I know they probably aren't out there. It sucks.

  2. Oh Yibbs. I'd hug you but my arms aren't long enough to reach Kansas. (And it'd be kinda weird if they were, come to think of it.) I don't really have any answers, since it's kind of a catch-22 in terms of surgery and insurance and jobs.

    I think you should see about getting on stage again, like in community theater or something. You are such a talented actor, and I know how much you enjoy it.

    I don't know if you do any volunteer work, but I think if you found something that really interested you, it'd be good for you.

    You'll notice I'm recommending things that don't have anything to do with your weight. That's intentional. I can only go by my own experiences, but I've found that when I'm down in the dumps about my weight, it's utterly impossible for me to lose any. However, the happier I am with the rest of life, the easier it is to be strong with food and exercise.

    Finish writing Destiny! :)

  3. Thanks Kate! HUGS! Long arms are usefull but not that long. You could never get shirts that fit properly among other things. Thanks for the suggestions, I've thought about volunteer work but not having my own car makes thinsg a little more difficult, but I might try again to find a good fit that's close. And yes losing weight when depressed just doesn't happen -- I'm glad I'm not the only one who's learned that!

    I totally need to finish writing destiny!